Hello there. Are you on one of my tours? If so, hello. I hope it’s going well. Did you enjoy the cow jokes? Yes, me too. Very amoosing. Now put your phone down and pay attention to the tour!!!
Oh, and if you’re a social network kind of a person, do follow me on Instagram or BlueSky. Make me feel better about myself.
Now. Amsterdam…
There is SO much to do in Amsterdam. Maybe even TOO much. It is the greatest city in the world after all. Therefore, I thought that you — tourist, traveller, appreciator of fine things — might also appreciate a little guidance. So, may my humble and beautifully written appraisal of this fine city’s delights bring you pleasure, and hopefully lead to some fine experiences you may otherwise have missed. We’ll start with a picture of me at work, followed by some short-cuts to each section, then we’ll get stuck in with food…
Updated: Tuesday 13 August, 2024
SHORTCUTS — only the first five work and I can’t figure out why. Life.
BREAKFAST / ASIAN / PIZZA / DUTCH / INTERNATIONAL / SANDWICHES / VEGAN / PUBS / FOOD MARKETS / SHOPPING / COFFEESHOPS / MUSEUMS / PARKS / RANDOM FUN STUFF / AND FINALLY…
FOOD — BREAKFAST
GREENWOODS / WEBSITE / LOCATION 1 / LOCATION 2
Two branches of one of the best breakfast places in Europe, specialising in posh English. Also has a cameo in The Amsterdam Good Murder Guide. Reserve a spot to avoid disappointment. And go hungry.
Don’t be put off by their hyper hipster-chic Instagram page. Normal people eat here too.
An All Day Breakfast menu with some of the city’s best panoramic views, and napkins to match. Go on a clear day.
See everything.
(OK, not everything. See Amsterdam, but all of it.)
Late breakfast slash early lunch spot. Lovely interior, plus one of the best sun terraces in a predominantly sunless town. When a morning tour doesn’t run, I often treat myself to apple pie and coffee here. They also do an excellent vegetarian range. And Rembrandt lived here for a while in 1636. What more do you want? Open from 10am. PIN only. (I know, I know.)
Apple pie is breakfast, right?
This is the apple pie they talk about all around the world. And rightly so. Be careful if you turn up with the munchies — you might eat four pieces and puke. They have other stuff too by the way, and with lots of outdoor seating, it’s a great place to sit and watch Amsterdammers doing their thing. Open 7 or 8 till late. Sometimes very late.
Gezellig!
FOOD — ASIAN
Hidden at the top of a Chinese supermarket, this place has very few options, very limited opening hours (12-16, closed Mondays), and it’s far from cheap. But it’s still worth it. One of the best ever. Queues: increasingly likely.
UPDATE: great word of mouth, plus a large dose of TikTok virality, has resulted in expansion. It’s now open every day, 12-16. Highly, highly recommended. Mention my name — they’ll have no idea.
Superior Chinese. Has two branches in the centre — one here, one here — and its own Wikipedia page. Not a place you go to for decor, ambience or pleasant conversations with the staff, but great for lazy, sometimes long, late afternoon lunches.
Best Thai in town? Used to be. Maybe still is, but I’ve heard a few grumbles. Has slightly cheaper lunchtime deals. Featured in a touching scene in The Amsterdam Good Murder Guide. Also, directly across the street is Bird II, a slightly cheaper Thai snackbar where you can sit up in the window and watch the world go by. Like a cat.
Another strong contender for best Thai in town, Ocha is certainly one of the most reasonably priced.
Delicious mostly vegan food with occasional “activities for the body, mind and soul”, e.g. yoga, kirtan and live music on Fridays.
Bon appétit & namaste.
That’s a bloody good photo.
FOOD — PIZZA
In each one of the following places I’ve had pizza that was every bit as good as any pizza I ever had in Italy. And I lived there for four years, and ate pizza everywhere. However, pizza chefs come and go, so there are no guarantees. Still, I’ve yet to be disappointed in any of these places…
LA PERLA / WEBSITE / LOCATION (plus amazing pasta)
